[I wrote this post a while ago, but I wasn't sure whether I really wanted to put myself out there. I have decided just to go for it. So...here it is. 3/29/07]
Hey all. I can hear the muffled sounds of a SXSW band playing on the street below. Even though the weather doesn't make me want to dance in the streets, I'd still rather be down there than up here. I'm trying to avoid a 4th cup of coffee (still haven't adjusted to DST). I'm also trying to work late, so I can leave on time to make it to the Airport Flyer bus. The two goals are slightly at odds with one another.
Still no word from Chicago or UNC. I've begun preparing myself for rejection. My co-worker Marilyn says that I'm just using it as a defense mechanism to avoid further disappointment. I think that I'm just being practical, though I do often expect less for that very reason. Marilyn contends that I need to expect the positive in order to draw the positive toward me. Disregarding that this strategy apparently did not work for Yale, I am interested in her theory.
I'm still reading the book I mentioned two posts ago on "how to know God." Chopra (the author) writes about the power of the human mind, saying belief really can have a transformative effect. The concept is not really unheard of to any of us as a concept, but I imagine most of us do not really believe we can affect any kind of real changes in our lives or the world through belief.
However, I've been thinking about this issue of belief quite frequently of late. I think it's fair to say that my faith all but died about a year ago. What I wasn't honest enough to admit to anyone, even myself, was that it wasn't a mere dissatisfaction with Christianity that I felt: I really almost completely stopped believing in God, in any real sense, except for the paranoia I felt on occasion. In my mind and heart I've been completely bound to physical reality. Probably because the only God I knew seemed like the enemy to personal peace of mind most of the time.
More recently, my mind has been open to possibility again. Belief in God (however you define him/her/it) has proven to be transformative for people. I am not ready to readopt my traditional views all over again, but I am tired of living a faithless life. I have been stagnant and depressed for most of the time. In the past few weeks, I have had moments in which transcendence really felt possibly, and I experienced true enlightenment. Transformation of the mind and soul is not easily won, and I am likely to fall back into doubt again. However, I may have rediscovered hope or something, and I will do my best to pursue it so that I don't get stuck.
Discussing belief in this matter of fact way makes belief sound silly or the food of the weak-minded or weak-willed. Or maybe just utilitarian in a sense. However, I think that perhaps it is not so. Belief requires energy and commitment far beyond the energy required to take in the physical world (which is not to say that every day life is effortless). This is not to say that my wishing to go to Chicago will make it so. Really, I don't even care as much about the outward trappings of my life as I do the inner. I am not convinced that life is a linear journey to perfection, but perhaps I can grow spiritually in unexpected ways.
No comments:
Post a Comment