Influences

My mom and I have always had a toxic effect on each other's eating habits. I suppose it would be fair to say that I learned my negative reliance on food as an emotional support from her more than anyone else.



Four years ago, when I finally lost all the weight I needed to lose, it had a lot to do with my taking full responsibility for my actions. Even if I had learned those behaviors from my mother as a child, it was my decision to continue to participate in them as an adult, and it was up to me to change those behaviors.



I've done fairly well with my behavioral changes (i.e. eating in a healthful, non-abusive manner) until the past year or so, when my life changed significantly in many ways. I was on the path to recovering good exercise and eating habits, when I got fired and fell back into bad habits again.



In coming back to Dallas to work for my dad, I fully intended to exercise as I had been while working out with a trainer and to eat less. However, I have failed myself in these intentions almost entirely.



This morning, looking in the mirror and noticing the increased size of the bulge around my hips, I found myself blaming my mother for my bad habits. Mom herself acknowledged that we are bad for each other--we watched movies together last night, eating brownies, popcorn and raisinets, even though we'd already had a nice, healthy dinner. In the middle of blaming my mother, I remembered something about influences--they work both ways.



It's true that being around my mother makes me want to eat like I did as a teenager--too much, too often, in front of the TV. However, I make her want to behave in the same way, and I am now just as much of an adult as she is, so I cannot hold her solely responsible for unhealthy behavior in the way that I possibly could have at age 8. In fact, it is selfish of me to think only of my own image and health in this situation. When I choose to participate in unhealthy behavior with my mother, I put her own health in jeopardy as much as my own. And I love my mother very much, so I don't want to do things to hurt her. I want her to be with me as long as possible--and healthy to boot, so I've got to take responsibility for myself again.