My Church

I haven't been attending church anywhere faithfully for about eight or nine months. For the first four or five, I visited all kinds of places; in the last four, I've attended only to be with family on important days. I've gotten to where I don't feel guilty about my absence from organized religion, because I realized that my guilt came from feelings of obligation to family and friends, not from a truly spiritual place, or conviction.

I am still searching for spiritual meaning and peace, and Sunday mornings have become a private time of reflection for me, one of few my weeks generally afford me. This Sunday morning, I was sitting in my chair, looking out my windows at my trees, the sunshine, and the blue skies, and I felt compelled to go out into it. I left behind all my books and my journal, my usual methods of inquiry, and I went to Mt. Bonnell.

There were some people there, but it wasn't too crowded. Most people were probably at church or still in bed at 10 AM. I found a quiet, sunny ledge, from which I could view the entire prospect. After gazing out at the beautiful hills, trees, water, flowers, I fell into quiet prayer. It has been a long time since I just wanted to pray and to reach out, and it has been an even longer time since my prayers were positive and thankful. I felt an overwhelming sense of graditude for my life, and I felt at peace.

Maybe this was my response because prayer is the response I know, deeply ingrained within me. Does this matter? I think not. I am not one who believes in destiny in a strict sense--at least not for every moment of a person's life, but I have felt relief in finding my own way in life up to this point. I could still list things for you that I don't like about myself or my life or that I want to change. However, on the whole, my life right now makes sense, and I believe I have more to learn here in Austin. This surety, along with a sudden awareness of all the good in my life, evoked a prayer. This is my church.

[Someone please remind me of this when I become frantic again.]

P.S. will try to write about something other than my spiritual search or grad school decision next time!