My beautiful sister-in-law came over to study with me on Sunday of this week. We spent a lovely afternoon and evening together, and we were reasonably productive.
During a coffee break we began to talk about my life in graduate school, my spiritual life, etc. Throughout the course of discussion, I admitted to Lucy that I don't really have high hopes for my life. I pretty much have come to accept that I am nothing too special and that the work I do might interest me, but I'm really not brilliant enough to write something or to do anything that will matter much. Mostly I just want life to allow me some level of comfort and to do the best I can to take care of the people in my life. I keep my expectations low, and I'm rarely disappointed. Of course, I'm also rarely excited about anything either. As I told Lucy, I didn't realize just how jaded this was until another friend of mine reacted to those kind of comments with surprise and even a little pity.
Lucy emphatically insisted that I really could do something that would matter. She really believes in my abilities.
In addition to doubting my abilities, I apparently don't view my body in a realistic manner either. My mom, LeAnne, and I were watching TV together during her visit last weekend. A somewhat plump woman came on stage to dance, and I really thought that I would look like her on stage. Mom and LeAnne both told me that I was way off, and I don't think they meant it in a patronizing way.
If those closest to me have significantly different views of me than I have, I must have a skewed self-image. I am not writing all this to garner pity or to ask for comments from all of you to make me feel better. I just wanted to be really honest about myself this time.
I'm going to try to fight off this negativity as best I can. Who knows? Maybe I'll have an idea that makes for an interesting read to at least a few of you.
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