I found out a few days ago that one of my good friends from college is getting married in August. I couldn't be happier for her! Still, she was one of the people I always assumed would be independent and free for a long time, so when I received the email, I was surprised. Of course, many of my friends have gotten married over the past 5 years or so, but her wedding hits home, because I saw her life trajectory as being similar to mine--single for longer than many of my friends.
In addition to her wedding, I've been excited to finally meet my friend Hope's husband. It's happy and strange to realize that she met and married someone in between the year and half it's been since I visited her in Boulder. I can't wait to see her again!
Of course, these weddings make me think about my old friends from back in my undergrad years, which are receding into the past at greater and greater speeds. I miss those younger days sometimes. And I really miss my friends. I had no idea how much money and how much free time I had. And I got to read books that really mattered to me. Grad school hasn't really afforded as much opportunity to do that as I'd like. On the other hand I was rather intellectually and spiritually tortured much of the time. So pensive. I'm much, much happier now. And my stomach no longer suffers from too much coffee intake.
I know people talk about not having regrets, and I don't have any deep regrets. But, I definitely suffer from "I wish I'd known then what I know now" syndrome. I don't regret being a serious student, but I wish I'd realized sooner that I didn't need to be so serious. I will be one of those old people who laughs all the time. I will have spent so much of my youth thinking intensely and seriously about things that by the time I'm old I will have nothing left to ponder about anxiously. At least I hope so. Someone remind me of this when I'm old.
I think that my 'aging' process is thrown into sharper relief, because I'm still at UT. Walking around campus today I wondered about all of the undergraduate students I saw running around campus--talking to their friends, studying, walking into dorms, etc. I wondered whether their experiences are anything like mine. I wondered whether they could tell by looking at me that I'm not one of them. For now, I might still pass for an undergraduate, but give it a few years, and they'll probably stop offering me the Travesty.
I guess one can't avoid growing older. No alchemist will ever offer me a secret elixir to extend my life. SO. Perhaps I should stop worrying about becoming old and wrinkly and not a student anymore and just enjoy what I've got going on now. Yeah.
The rain made me melancholy today. Hopefully a cheerier post next time.
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