Home Again

I'm back in the ATX again. It is good to be home, though I have to say it's taken me a while to feel back at home. I was gone for 6 weeks. During that time, I stayed in a beautiful, spacious apartment, which I had mostly to myself. I befriended a wonderful person in my friend's grandmother. She made me feel special and cared for. I also loved the archive where I worked daily. The people were inviting and friendly, and it helped to have a schedule and a place to walk every day. Nobody there knew how skinny I used to be, so I didn't mind my recent heavier size. The pace of life was slow and easy. I was actually really happy with the little life I had there.

So, it was a little bit difficult to come back. I love our home, but it felt cramped and crowded after staying in another person's home. As soon as I walked in the door, all the stress, anxiety, and frustration I'd felt when I left Austin came rushing back. Suddenly, I realized I had to figure out what to do next--the easy rhythm of home-archive-home was gone. The apartment was dusty. And, I had to face my closet.

My closet. Many of you know that last year was a rough year for me. Studying for comps was the hardest thing I've ever done. I was very stressed, and I was on high anxiety alert for months. Even though I exercised 4-5 times/week, all the way to the end, I still gained weight. Lots of it. I went back on a diet after the exam was over, but I just couldn't lose weight. It wouldn't come off, and I became depressed. So, I'm trying a new approach of accepting myself and learning to eat 'intuitively.' I'm happier for it most of the time...

However, there's still the closet, full of sizes that are not even close to my current size, which it would take months of dieting to possibly fit into. I just can't do it right now. Maybe not ever again. So, I cleaned out that closet on Sunday. Anything smaller than one size below my current size had to go. I probably emptied out half my clothes. It was hard to do. It might sound silly, but I've had to grieve the loss of that skinny self. It was fun to be as small as everyone else. It was fun to fit into society's image of what beauty means. It was nice to be able to pass judgment on other fat people, who just couldn't handle losing weight--something I had done successfully.

I'm trying to come to peace with my current size so that I can learn healthier eating habits--emotionally speaking. I know what foods are 'good' and 'bad', but patterns of self-denial and then binge eating/weight gain have made me miserable. I can't diet anymore. This doesn't mean that I will eat recklessly. It just means that I'm not going to starve myself to try to fit into a size 8 anymore. I hope that you, my friends and readers, can respect the choice I've made and support the larger (and hopefully happier) me.

Anyway, it's good to be home, but it's tough to face myself again. Come on, self. Let's do this.